I discovered something today that deeply disturbed me.

Jenn and I were walking back home from the mall and the conversation turned to the wedding (as do most conversations these days). Why should wedding dresses be so hard to put on? You should never need 5 people to put on a single dress. That just shouldn’t happen. And then it hit me. If you’ve got a massive gown that needs constant attention from several people, how on Earth do you go to the bathroom? The answer is you get assistance for that too. You’d need at least one person there to hold your dress up for you while you pee. Either that or you get it off entirely, in which case you’d need even more people’s help. But my God, how can you be ok with having someone holding your dress while you’re sitting on the toilet? How is that ok?

The way I see it, anything to do with the wedding dress is just designed to violate you in every way. First of all, trying them on there are complete strangers putting you into the dress while you’re in your underwear and they won’t hesitate to puch your boobs wherever they feel they should go. Second, once you’ve found a nice dress, you have to pay ridiculous amounts of money that just can’t be justified. Third, you need the help of about 5 people to get you dressed on your wedding day (nothing says independence from your family like having them dress you!). Fourth, you have to walk around all day in that dress, and most of them weigh a ton, so you’ll be all sweaty and tired come nightfall. Then fifth, and last in this list, is that you can’t even go to the bathroom on your own. You need others to be present. That’s what they do in jail. They watch you pee.

I declare that my dress will be sensible and will not require a billion attendants throughout my wedding day. The day is all about being in love and staying in love. Having such a crazy dress just takes away from all that, so I’d rather do without the princess pouff.